Emotion

O levels got back, 7 pts. before i was super nervous, kept bugging my teacher to hint my results, after i got it back, i was relieved, but the feeling was weird... It was as if i did not deserve this grade...

I feel like I was super lucky, undeservingly lucky, anyway, this is a beginning of a changed man, I solemnly swear im gonna wake up from this day onwards, study, work hard, play hard.

The awakening

Come what may

Erps. Dub-dub-dub-dub-dub, thats my heart beating.

Im pretty sure tomorrow i'll be disappointing alot of people, myself, parents, teachers, and worst of all, i have to stand my most hated enemy's knowing sacarstic smile, mouthing the words 'i told you so', and tomorrow my teachers would know that there never was any hope that i would do well, and i would have to endure my friends shouts of delight as i mull over my grades, and go home depressed, alone. Disappointing myself is ok, but disappointing my parents really sucks, imean, they're like working so hard just to keep our family going, all for the purpose of my success in life. Its strange isnt it, like one year ago i wasnt thinking about such things when i screwed up my life, even though subconsciously i knew this would be the consequence, it just never surfaced as a real scenario.

Even if this scenario doesnt take place, and somehow i got good grades, it's still a lose-lose situation, because deep down inside, i know i have failed myself. When people get good grades, they are really happy n feel they have achieved something becos they worked hard for it, but for me, i have never felt that kind of achievement, because i have never been able to work hard for anything, and that is so sad. Wtf was i thinking last year when i kept avoiding studying and discarding my homework, when everyone else was fking studying their brains out, i was there dreaming, deluding myself, hoping i could get past the exams once more unscathed, without sparing much effort. I still have all those bloody prelim papers and o level papers undone, not a drop of ink on them, and even those that are partially done, were copied in school, while the teacher was going thru them, i was copying them, and for no reason, cos after that i didnt even refer to it. When my friends were studying in mcdonalds, i was there disturbing them, distracting them, obstructing their studies. When my friends were in library studying, i was there yet again being a nuisance, wtf am i, a stupid loser? If i was a sinking ship, why the fuck should i drag down others along with me? I know the answer, its cause im selfish, when im unable to work hard, i would be unhappy that others are able to work hard, jealous of their ability to discipline themselves, and try to upset their studies. and that is the cold hard truth.

Even now, i spend my days drifting, avoiding work, its not even called slacking, its... undescribeable. Most of the days i dont even open my bag after i reach home, so its like just a burden that i carry to school and back home every day, to and fro, to and fro, just for show, like some kind of exhibition masterpiece. And this is what i've been doing for my 10 years of formal education? This worst thing is that i get passable grades through my minimal studying, or lack therof. like i got 21/30 for econs test? wtf? i barely spent an hour studying for it, if it can be called studying, which is constantly running off to get food and running off to play, listen to music. and then i got full marks for physics test mcq? at first i was quite happy i got full marks, proud actually, considering i didnt study. Then on the bus, i remembered, unlike the chemistry test, physics test only had 6 mcq questions! haha cheyyyy. but still, why didnt i fail like im supposed to? luckily, theres still the rest of the physics paper, which i practically wrote nonsense for, so that will show my true colours--- being a lousy student with massive tyco-ness.

I actually wanted to fail really badly in chinese high, so that i would teach myself a lesson, weird huh? but i never actually had the guts to do it, always managed to scrape past by studying last minute, last second, and getting last minute-grades, den i'll be so contented and proud that i passed even though i studied so little, what a loser. And for geog, i got good marks for MCQ, and 51/100 for paper 2, wtf and in the end i got a B3~ dammit, when i wanted to fail, i let myself down. When i wanted to get really good marks, i also let myself down, i cant believe the loserness of it all.

In P school it was the same, every bloody thing i managed to get enuf grades to sneak past the teachers' attention, and yet not study. In my 6 years of p school life, i never did homework, except primary 2 maths questions, tt time i really every day go home first thing do maths questions, i think cos i had a crush on my teacher ms yeo. lolz! Otherwise, i every day kana sent out of class, my p4 teacher even move my desk out of class permanently! I rmb that teacher, Ms tan -> later became mrs ho or something, or vice versa. Yucks i hate her, first few days of school already try to get respect by bullying young P4s, in her very words "I am a TIGER", she shouted across the class, spit shooting out of her mouth. Then after i didnt bring my pets worksheet for hundreds of times, didnt do my stupid composition, comprehension, cloze passage, couldnt be bothered to? wadeva. she sent me out of class, and there i was for extended periods of time outside the classroom, resident of the corridor. Maybe I am an attention seeker, by not doing homework, i stand out? i bet i am an attention seeker, fking loser.or maybe it is easier to not do homework than to score sterling grades.

And now i even use exercise as an excuse to avoid work, or eating as an excuse. wtf im a total loser. Oh im too tired after all that stuff, omg im hungry, must fill stomach before food, 'oh my handwritings too untidy, dont feel good doing work'. Or else i'll pretend my eyes v tired, need to rest. yuckss, im disgusted with myself

Den i rmb in P school, i had this friend, who was damn anti-RI, he said he'll rather die than go there, so i was like kana influence by him... damn stupid hor. In the end, he oso cannot go RI with his aggregate. lolz i think i didnt study v. hard cos of him lor. Im always kana influence from somebody someone somewhere. Fk... there i go blaming ppl again.

Right now im staying up to share my sorrows, tomorrow will be the day im so tired that i cant see the results slip properly, den i hallucinate that i get all A1s.

Evil Chocolate

Cant resist the temptation

Just a little bite

A small nibble.

The smooth creamy texture

punctuated by an occasional nut

what genius!

There it lies

in refrigerated innocence

waiting to be eaten

calling out to be eaten,

shall i grant it its wish?

A quick bite,

I savour every moment,

before it goes back

into cold storage.

My gosh, my first blogged poem! Im now officially a -poet- , just like tian meng, omg just like tian meng, im becoming tian meng. Nevertheless that was fun, it took 10 minutes and presto out pops a poem. Yes yes, i know im talented

Blurg.

How come my blog always gotta be me? its so self-centred, im sickened at the thought of it. Ok, enuf of the guilt trip, its back to me agian :P

Something is irritating me, cant put my finger on it, but its irritating me

Its never over till its over

startling news, my friend is actually in hcjc, and he got 14 points! Amazing unbelievable, i shud have appealed or something when i had 13 points. The bad thing was i didnt even dare to show my face at the general office :O :P Much less hand in an appeal form with 13 points L1R5.

omgomgomgomg o's coming out this week! anytime now!!! do you feel the pressuree?? honestly theres a sinking feeling that will surface every time i think of the o's ,screw the geog paper, but its too late to worry or regret. so no regrets... (ummm yeah right) So i think right now the only thing i can do is to make more friends, less enemies try my best in everything i do and enjoy my time on earth :P

funfair and stuff

Wow, the big SA funfair has come and gone. Of course, i never expected our soccer stall thing to succeed really, with $4 bucks a person for 8 minutes, but it did. I never really contributed either, just walked around the funfair, did half my shift and left.

This should teach me a lesson that some things are unexpectedly successful despite seeming to be crappy and doomed to failure.

Maybe c0s i was so unenthusiastic n lackadasical, poet tm was super pissed off with me. shouting at me during the change of shift 'WEIHONG GO PICK UP THE BALL!'. His angry expression haunting my dreams from now onwards. I wasnt too bothered, thought he was mad. But that kinda slack attitude that i carry around leaves much to be desired.

Its kind of late, tried to sleep, but as i just talked with mom about results coming out in a week, i had this unpleasant feeling of nervous restlessness around me. its like dammit, its coming out next week, and the get it over and done with feeling all add up into one mixed imotion. Hope the worst case scenario is that i end up in AJC which is 10 mins walk from home. Still, i had this butterflies-in-stomach feeling just now, wish i had that feeling last year, when i was actually taking the o's, instead of after.

The crux of the problem is...

"I despise hard work."

That is the problem, its an attitude problem that has haywired and messed up my life, my values and morals.

Why is everybody smarter than me?

I cant understand it, why is everyone so smart? or rather, why is everyone smarter than me? I've been having this feeling for some time now.

Too many times im left scratching my head over what is being taught. Too many times I catch myself stoning into space, oblivious to surroundings, -especially- in lectures and tutorials. It could be that teachers voice has a 'stoning effect' on me, i think it happened in chinese high, got passed on to SAJC. It may look like im paying attention, but what goes on inside my head is nothing... weird

today is quite screwed up, we swam 15 laps or so, then we had to pull another person over the length of the pool using freestyle and frogkick. Last 3 would kana 20 pushups. I hung onto wei quans waist for 1 lap, but when on the return trip, i kana-ed cramp in my left calf. so it was early exit for me :)

Remember this feeling so i'll not repeat it

Slightly Nauseous, eyes not fully open, stomach with a funny empty feeling, mosquitoes flying everywhere, and yet--- I have to do homework.

I will not repeat this again, i will do my homework from now onwards.

Good quotes following 2-0 loss to Birmingham

Today we tried to play football but if you don't win the battles then you cannot play football.

'We now have 10 days to analyse what was wrong today but if you look at each player, none of them played to their best. We've got to try and change things for the next game.' - Rafael Benitez

Been in this situation countless times in my life

I failed, my plan to do 90 mins of work failed FAILED capital F. I ended up watching Shallow hal and eating those shimano fish, that have lots of roe in them, their bodies stuffed full of eggs save their heads. Shallow hal is such a warm-funny comedy that injects a feel good feeling, so sad it doesnt last when i return to thinking about my homework.

Its sunday nite, 10pm, schools tmr, homework lagging behind for a few weeks. This is a situation repeatedly occuring in my life, just like the numbers 1.54545454545454545454 its never ending. I have to get my life under control, my procastination under wraps. This has been happening since i was a kid, starting from pre-school, kindergarten, pri. sch. every day i dread going to school due to undone homework. My whole life its been like this. I got sent out class more often than i sat in class in primary 4. In pri 5 and pri 6, i was the boy most sent out of class, every other day, i would be training my leg muscles standing for hours. Wonder how i managed to score 263 in PSLE, bet it was luck, will i be so fortunate in the O's? I seriously doubt so, since when was anything second time lucky.

I have the solution, I'll gulp down some nescafe and work till 12. its the only way out... bet i tmr kana niao by the physics teacher... "chinese high sumore, cant even do simple o level questions" go back to school lar!

IMpossible to keep to plan

i've eaten: pineapple tarts, mandarin oranges, egg rolls, ice cream, cadbury nuts and fruits , cadbury hazelnut bar, Lay's sour cream and onion, Bak Kwa (until my teeth hurt) and drunk Ribena. There is absolutely no way i can ever be thin again, i will be fat forever.

So now my resolution is, just eat what i wanna, and try to exercise it all off, as much as i can.

YESSS i finally got a V day gift!!! mission accomplished! Now i'll just have to stop myself from eating it.mmmmm.

Its almost 7pm, havent got anything done as usual, if i can work an 90 mins before bedtime i'll be happy. (however unrealistic it is, i still continue deluding myself, how sad)

Can do: 1 set of 20 push ups
4 pull ups unassisted (improvement from 1 pull up on 1st PE lesson)
Play An Jing on the piano (not so well, but sounds alrite)
Play abit of 100 years
Eat alot of stuff

Aim to do: 3 sets of 20 push ups
6 pull ups

My gosh... bored

im bored... playing computer, listening to songs.. need to do more with life.

Not done any homework, lagging behind.... sheez, behold the power of procastination.

the million dollar question: should i GET TO WORK? okok, in 10 minutes time... yeah right...

I have devised the plan of a genius

This is the plan to lose weight: ( confirm works)

• Do not eat excessively
• Jogging on mondays, saturdays. For an hour each
• Swimming on tuesdays thursdays and saturdays
• Pull-ups, push ups when i feel like it
• When im hungry i'll binge on fruits

Absolutely NO MORE haagen daz ice cream, and slight allowances for new year goodies.

To-Do list

1. Send my ipod in for repairs
2. Send my laptop in for repairs
3. Do my homework which has been accumulating for 2 weeks
4. Start a fitness program and carry it out
5. Buy something within budget for valentines day
6. Sell funfair tickets
7. Play the piano

I really look like a pig meh?

Came home 6.08 today, pon waterpolo, thats why i was home early. I was kind of torn between going for waterpolo and just going home to sleep. In the end, i chose to go home to sleep. But i regret not going. Im not going to spend the rest of my life wallowing in regrets... so nextime i'll go!

Tomorrow there's econs test, imean, yucks theres studying to be done. Went around fishing for music notes, and got 'my immortal'! Haha, now i have made it my hobby to get songs off the internet and play them! Im can play ballade adeline now, but for jay chous ni ting de dao its like freaking ass-hole difficult to play...

ok i'll die out if i dont go study now, CRAM CRAM CRAM!!

swimming and homework

I hereby issue a ukase decreeing that all non-slackers and people who have done tutorials ahead of time and on time be beheaded and castrated and dismembered and grotesquely disfigured, and i shall be looking with morbid fascination as i watch them suffer in ultimate agony. ( yes im using my newly-found vocab and combining it with my sickest imagination)

i cant find a place to put my new word: circumambient.. ok here goes. Valentines day is coming, romance and love and kindness and commercialism exploitation is circumambient in the atmosphere as febuary approaches. People start selling roses at 10 bucks apiece, and i wanna be one of those selling them and earning quick bucks!

I shall continue with my perdurable feud with boring lecturers and hard-to-do-ever-so-tough-and-tedious-boring homework. Which reminds me, today Mr David Wong became a laughing stock within the realm of SAJC. He was shamed in the middle of a lecture when he couldnt solve his own question in the paper. Publicly humiliated and looked down on due to his mistakes during the lecture, it was sad, but it was slightly hilarious. My first time i saw a teacher looking so forlorn and helpless over his own question.

"We should extirpate incompetent teachers" (in no relation to the above)

I shall resolve to fight my 'bete noire' which is my inherent slackerism.

I shall play for the rest of the moeity of my first 3 months in SAJC.

I shall not engage in acts of moral turpitude

Milan Baros with his coruscating brilliance in finding the net is a great asset to liverpool.

I wrote one after another zhao ju, seriatim.

And i finally evince my true motive in writing all this crap, all for the sake of english

Need to swim fast strong and strokey

Just came back from polo. I am tired out but not totally bushwhacked tired, cos i think i didnt give my 100% at the training, just slacked it out. I swear next time im going to train until i pass out from exhaustion, i WILL NOT BE A SLACKER.

its late, still havent touched a single crap of notes/paper/homework. theres a ton of GP to do, but i still feel like slacking it out. how to avoid the embarassing questioning tomorrow? let the tomorrow decide my fate. I think "i fell sick yesteday" is a worthy excuse, or else, it could be " i forgot to bring my homework". The most true and yet damning excuse would be " sorry teach, i just didnt feel like doing my homework, not happy about that?" (and it would sound damn act-cool, which of course, it is.)

I still need to be friendlier towards people, sometimes i feel i relate more to my food than to people around me, just a feeling. For one, I cant maintain a going conversation, so i'd rather keep quiet and ignore people. In the end, i will seem very antisocial and irritable. Maybe its a kind of defensive mechanism-- using antisociality as a way to mask my shyness, or unwillingness to talk.

Back to fitness, I must go running tomorrow, need to shed those kilos! all the weight i lost during polo is definitely regained through the milo dinosaur and BBQ pork rice and 7up ice that i gulped down after training, talk about counter-productivity! Tomorrow i'll go run 12 rounds of the track!

OK i've blogged about 10 mins, and the night is still young, just perfect for me to catch some beauty rest.