Come what may

Erps. Dub-dub-dub-dub-dub, thats my heart beating.

Im pretty sure tomorrow i'll be disappointing alot of people, myself, parents, teachers, and worst of all, i have to stand my most hated enemy's knowing sacarstic smile, mouthing the words 'i told you so', and tomorrow my teachers would know that there never was any hope that i would do well, and i would have to endure my friends shouts of delight as i mull over my grades, and go home depressed, alone. Disappointing myself is ok, but disappointing my parents really sucks, imean, they're like working so hard just to keep our family going, all for the purpose of my success in life. Its strange isnt it, like one year ago i wasnt thinking about such things when i screwed up my life, even though subconsciously i knew this would be the consequence, it just never surfaced as a real scenario.

Even if this scenario doesnt take place, and somehow i got good grades, it's still a lose-lose situation, because deep down inside, i know i have failed myself. When people get good grades, they are really happy n feel they have achieved something becos they worked hard for it, but for me, i have never felt that kind of achievement, because i have never been able to work hard for anything, and that is so sad. Wtf was i thinking last year when i kept avoiding studying and discarding my homework, when everyone else was fking studying their brains out, i was there dreaming, deluding myself, hoping i could get past the exams once more unscathed, without sparing much effort. I still have all those bloody prelim papers and o level papers undone, not a drop of ink on them, and even those that are partially done, were copied in school, while the teacher was going thru them, i was copying them, and for no reason, cos after that i didnt even refer to it. When my friends were studying in mcdonalds, i was there disturbing them, distracting them, obstructing their studies. When my friends were in library studying, i was there yet again being a nuisance, wtf am i, a stupid loser? If i was a sinking ship, why the fuck should i drag down others along with me? I know the answer, its cause im selfish, when im unable to work hard, i would be unhappy that others are able to work hard, jealous of their ability to discipline themselves, and try to upset their studies. and that is the cold hard truth.

Even now, i spend my days drifting, avoiding work, its not even called slacking, its... undescribeable. Most of the days i dont even open my bag after i reach home, so its like just a burden that i carry to school and back home every day, to and fro, to and fro, just for show, like some kind of exhibition masterpiece. And this is what i've been doing for my 10 years of formal education? This worst thing is that i get passable grades through my minimal studying, or lack therof. like i got 21/30 for econs test? wtf? i barely spent an hour studying for it, if it can be called studying, which is constantly running off to get food and running off to play, listen to music. and then i got full marks for physics test mcq? at first i was quite happy i got full marks, proud actually, considering i didnt study. Then on the bus, i remembered, unlike the chemistry test, physics test only had 6 mcq questions! haha cheyyyy. but still, why didnt i fail like im supposed to? luckily, theres still the rest of the physics paper, which i practically wrote nonsense for, so that will show my true colours--- being a lousy student with massive tyco-ness.

I actually wanted to fail really badly in chinese high, so that i would teach myself a lesson, weird huh? but i never actually had the guts to do it, always managed to scrape past by studying last minute, last second, and getting last minute-grades, den i'll be so contented and proud that i passed even though i studied so little, what a loser. And for geog, i got good marks for MCQ, and 51/100 for paper 2, wtf and in the end i got a B3~ dammit, when i wanted to fail, i let myself down. When i wanted to get really good marks, i also let myself down, i cant believe the loserness of it all.

In P school it was the same, every bloody thing i managed to get enuf grades to sneak past the teachers' attention, and yet not study. In my 6 years of p school life, i never did homework, except primary 2 maths questions, tt time i really every day go home first thing do maths questions, i think cos i had a crush on my teacher ms yeo. lolz! Otherwise, i every day kana sent out of class, my p4 teacher even move my desk out of class permanently! I rmb that teacher, Ms tan -> later became mrs ho or something, or vice versa. Yucks i hate her, first few days of school already try to get respect by bullying young P4s, in her very words "I am a TIGER", she shouted across the class, spit shooting out of her mouth. Then after i didnt bring my pets worksheet for hundreds of times, didnt do my stupid composition, comprehension, cloze passage, couldnt be bothered to? wadeva. she sent me out of class, and there i was for extended periods of time outside the classroom, resident of the corridor. Maybe I am an attention seeker, by not doing homework, i stand out? i bet i am an attention seeker, fking loser.or maybe it is easier to not do homework than to score sterling grades.

And now i even use exercise as an excuse to avoid work, or eating as an excuse. wtf im a total loser. Oh im too tired after all that stuff, omg im hungry, must fill stomach before food, 'oh my handwritings too untidy, dont feel good doing work'. Or else i'll pretend my eyes v tired, need to rest. yuckss, im disgusted with myself

Den i rmb in P school, i had this friend, who was damn anti-RI, he said he'll rather die than go there, so i was like kana influence by him... damn stupid hor. In the end, he oso cannot go RI with his aggregate. lolz i think i didnt study v. hard cos of him lor. Im always kana influence from somebody someone somewhere. Fk... there i go blaming ppl again.

Right now im staying up to share my sorrows, tomorrow will be the day im so tired that i cant see the results slip properly, den i hallucinate that i get all A1s.