Its not always rainbows and butterflies

I tend to get so insecure.

My resolution to be nice to everybody is failing me, i knew i wouldnt be able to keep it up for long... my evil side keeps showing up, mwahahahaha. I know its super hard to be a nice person for very long. How i keep feeling lazy and irritated when my mother asks me for help with the remote, how i almost beat up my bro after seeing him zuo bo for 3 days and using my laptop to play stupid comp games. When i snap irritatedly at other ppl for no reason.

When i have slacked for so much, like the last 4-5 years, slackity has become a disease with me, consuming my soul and being. It can be seen from my posture, the half-asleep head resting on one arm posture that is most comfortable. The suffocating folded arms head down sleeping posture. The way i walk, the way i talk, it has consumed me and threatens to crush my bones. I lapse into periods of thinking inactivity, like im so engrossed in my own thoughts, my brain blocks out other signals, like noise from the lecturer.. so i stone there with my eyes open wide, looking like im paying attention or something.. Then suddenly like 5 minutes later, something the lecturer says breaks my train of thoughts and i snap out of the trance, and then i am super confused.. "huh? where're we now? what page?" and after that i catch no ball, and miss all of the important parts of lesson. But at least i've been improving, last time i could stone up to 10 minutes a time. and i stone multiple times during a lecture, so im alert for small periods. Now im improving, i've cut it down to about 5 mins of stoning time, per stoning session. And everytime i catch myself stoning i try to snap out of it, just that by that time its already too late.

Funny how the moment u start to blog, ur thoughts lose shape, and the original meaning and context of what u wanted to say doesnt get conveyed onto the blog, i believe i havent yet had the capacity to express myself, in words or otherwise.

I keep runnign away from things, always been running away from things. Now i've turned to face them, and there are so many to deal with... . Life is one big problem, with many mini-problems encompassed within, but the whole damn thing is a big problem. All along the path are ambuscades, a wrong move and im down the drain.